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missjoyandpain
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| so the plan today was to go to church and out to lunch with my parents today. i need to get out and get my leg moving, and i wanted to before work tomorrow, so that i know what to expect. but my parents' church is half-hour to an hour away, depending on traffic. so i needed to get up at 8am, especially since getting ready is going to take me a lot longer now. so i went to bed at midnight. figured if i can get 8hrs of sleep, i'll be good to go.
mom had gone grocery shopping for me earlier, and had picked up 2 bags of ice for the ice water machine the hospital gave me that pumps the cold around my knee, since the ice maker in my freezer doesn't work so well. she re-filled the ice water machine just before we went to bed.
then at 1:30am, there was loud knocking on my front door. i thought maybe my roommate, jen, had forgotten her key or it wasn't working or something (she had to work a double at her new job, and wasn't getting off work til 1am). but my mom answered, and i heard a male voice. and all i could think was "wtf?!?" i called for her (since i can't get out of bed quickly), and she finally came to tell me a neighbor was complaining about noise. noise??? what noise???
i went to the door to find out what the hell was going on. it was the neighbor from next door - the next door with the bedroom on the other side of my bedroom wall. the neighbor whose drunk screaming girlfriend has kept me up MANY MANY nights. the neighbor whose horrible loud thumping music has woken me up MANY MANY mornings, to the point i had to put in ear plugs to sleep. the neighbor whose door i've NEVER knocked on to complain.
now, it was the guy from next door, not the girl, and i know the fights aren't his fault. she's always the drunk screaming one. he insisted there'd been a buzzing noise through their wall for three days keeping him awake. my mom's staying the weekend, and had brought in a 2nd air purifier friday afternoon - since we're all getting over colds. he heard that from the door, so i said he could come in and check it out. wasn't that. he wanted to check the bedroom, just to prove to himself he wasn't crazy, so i let him. my ceiling fan was on, he turned that off, wasn't the fan. i suggested maybe the ice machine, but i hadn't had it for three days, barely over 24hrs. he picked it up, unplugged it, said that was it.
something that was next to my bed, that i could sleep through fine, was supposedly keeping them up. i explained that i just had surgery the day before, and that the hospital had givben it to me to keep my knee cold. so i suggested plugging it into a different wall, so long as it could still reach my leg without the risk of tripping on the cord. even tried an extension cord, but didn't have a 3 prong one. so he ended up plugging it into my bathroom wall - so that i can't close my stupid bathroom door.
in the meantime, jen came home from work, completely freaking out because the front door was open. she thought maybe someone had broken in while mom and i were sleeping. she was pissed when she found out what was going on, too. because she's sat in my room and heard every word of their arguments next door, too. and i was starting to be in a lot of pain from standing so long while he tried to figure out what to do.
jen mentioned his gf had seen her in the parking lot and asked what the buzzing sound was, but that was early that morning. jen, my mom, and i were never bothered by any buzzing. so if this girl still heard it, she had ALL freaking DAY to knock on the door and ask. but this is the gf who i tried to be friendly to last week when i saw her by saying hi and introducing myself. she just gave me a look like, "why are you talking to me?" and wasn't going to tell me her name til i asked. so of course she couldn't have the common decency to come ask at a decent hour. she sends her bf after he gets home at 1:30 in the freaking morning. that's what pissed me off the most.
and then of course, being wide awake because of this, i couldn't get back to sleep. and being upset, my muscles tensed, and made my leg hurt worse. and rest is very, very important right now. so i never made it to church today. |   |
| well, i'm home, and the surgery went well.
i only got about 3hrs of sleep last night, and now i'm too tired to sleep. thankfully, they did knock me out for the surgery. i had a REALLY good anesthesiologist - i'm not sick!!! i mean, i even get sick from the laughing gas at the dentist. and i haven't thrown up once today! at all! and now i'm home and eating!
they did keep me awake until i was in the OR. it was nothing like i expected - nothing like you see on Grey's Anatomy or ER. it was a bright room, with lots of storage, and very, very cold. when the anesthesia went into my iv, it felt like something was squeezing my arm very tight. i think that was the most painful part of the whole experience. that was when i started to cry.
i woke up in post-op and started coughing quite a bit, which jolted the leg and that hurt. but they gave me dilaudin, and held off when i said i didn't want more yet. i think that helped keep me from getting sick, too. i was also given this ice water machine to take home that has this pad filled with ice water that wraps around my knee, and has a cooler attached with tubing that keeps the water circulating around.
my parents and my roommate, jen, came with me to the hospital. they helped me stay calm and keep thinking positively. my mom's staying with us this weekend, but jen likes helping, and is doing everything today - which isn't bad, since my mom's still got a bad cough, too. i don't want my mom trying to do too much, because i'm afraid she could end up having an asthma attack.
as for the surgery itself, turns out my knee was full of massive amounts of scar tissue. dr. walsh said that when they force-bent it, it just cracked and cracked and cracked. so he cut out a bunch of the scar tissue, and i'll need physical therapy 5 days a week. i'll also be going to see the dr. on thursday to have my sutures removed. i'm to move it and bend it as much as tolerable.
and i got shiny new crutches!
so thank you everyone for the prayers and support! and thank you to everyone who came out to my pre-surgery party last night! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Surgery's in 6hrs. I don't want to be that girl again - helpless. Depending on everyone else. I finally got my independence back. I finally got ME back. And here we go, starting all over again.
I'm not afraid I'll die on the operating table, or anything like that. What's coming for me is much worse. Stick in a body with pain, unable to move. Unfixable.
Yeah, I'll get my strength back again. Eventually. And I'm actually looking fwd to going back into PT - depending on who I get. I need to lose weight to fit in my bridesmaid dress for Michelle's wedding (which I still need to pick up from the store), and working out in PT will help.
I'm just so tired. I just want to be normal. All these assholes who can just walk - without a limp - without holding onto anything - who completely take it for granted. Just being able to put one foot in front of another without even thinking. Just being able to walk hand in hand with the person you like - at the same pace with them. And I just sit. And watch. And wish.
This stupid surgery in the morning isn't even going to fix me. If it is the ligament I suspect, it can't be fixed surgically.
I'm just so tired... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 08:05 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadp.gif) depressed |
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| i just got home from the dr. i need more surgery.
he said he could give me cortisone shots in the knee, or send me to a pain specialist, but what he'd suggest first is arthroscopic surgery to dig around and see if there are any bone fragments in the knee or any damage to the ligaments. even if he were to send me to a pain specialist now, they'd just ask if he'd looked inside the knee to see what's wrong.
it's supposed to be a same-day surgery, home that night. but i get really really sick from anesthesia. even minor anesthesia from the dentist makes me vomit. when i had my surgery last year, i was so sick i couldn't eat for four days. so i'm scared. and depressed.
he has to get it approved by workers' comp first, which could take a month or longer. so i get to wait until after i move, and after all the baby showers and bachelorette parties and bridal showers. i might wait until may and use a few vacation days. or maybe i'll keep the wheelchair upstairs in my office, since sitting in regular chairs without having support under the knee causes painful strain on the knee when i'm supposed to keep it straight. and then i'll be back in 6-8 weeks of physical therapy again. but he says that i should be able to find a pt i can go to after work.
oh, he also said it looks like the knee is becoming arthritic from the injury. so that's just more great news :(
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| i feel like i say the same things every time i write in here the past few months. legs hurt. REALLY bad.
well, the weather makes it a lot worse. the muscles in front, and just above, the left knee are very painful. i get sharp pains on the inner side of what feels like the bones of the left knee joint every night while i sleep. it's like a stiffness that doesn't want to allow for the slightest movement without extreme pain. the muscles around the scar itself on the outer side of the left thigh feel very sore a lot of the time. that stems from a few inches above the knee to a few inches just below the hip. and with the weather, it's all amplified, with swollen ligaments behind the knees added to it.
i'm just so tired of it all.
i wish i could just run away to a warmer, southern state. (NOT to the west, i hate the desert states. i can't breathe in dry air).
anyways. i see the dr. tomorrow. i really hope he has something constructive to say this time, to suggest. something that will actually FIX me... somehow? i'm tired of not being able to do the stupid little crap everyone takes for granted, like running inside from the rain. being able to walk around and do stupid touristy stuff on vacation. running outside to catch a pet that's gotten loose. picking up a little kid and spinning around with them. dancing.
will someone just invent a way to replace my bones with adamantium, already? | | |
| | Time: | 09:00 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankangryp.gif) annoyed |
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| I'm sitting in a coffee house where a friend is singing tonight. The weather has my pain level at an 8, so of course this place has no handicapped parking, and the music is on the 2nd floor with no elevator. I'm on my last bottle of Tramadol until I see the Dr. Walsh again in a week and a half. And I've had to take 6 pills so far just today, because the past two days have been REALLY painful. My left knee's not feeling stable, the muscles in the thigh are killing me, and the ligaments behind my right knee are swollen and hurting, too. At least my friends and I are in a booth, so I can have my legs elevated.
Mark moves out tomorrow, thank God. But of course, he can't afford to pay his rent for the past month. Which screws me, because that's an extra $450 to cover his half that I didn't plan for, when I have my own bills to take care of, including the extra costs of moving next month.
March 7th (the same as last year's move date) I'm getting a 2br/2bath with my friend Jen, a friend and former co-worker. She's been on worker's comp, too, from tripping on a mat and breaking her shoulder. I figured out how we'll be able to take out the garbage together. I can't safely carry the trash bags to the dumpster, and she can. She can't lift the bags up and over into the dumpster, and I can. However, if we need to carry anything heavy into the apt, or kill a spider on the ceiling, we're both screwed. And my complex has lots of BIG spiders. But we've both through horrible things in the past year, and I think we can really help each other.
In other news, since I wasn't at my store in Nov. during open enrollment for 2009 insurance, I never got my packet. So last week, I got a letting saying my medical insurance expired 12/31/08. And I had to see a general practitioner two weeks ago because of the flu, and I needed a dr's not for work for missing so many days. And now it turns out I didn't have insurance. So that's more money I don't have now. The good news is that the company is sending me an enrollment packet in the mail so I'll be able to get back on the insurance. Hopefully they'll retro whatever so that my coverage is seamless. I'm praying, anyway.
Oh yes, I started guitar lessons last night. I'll always have to play sitting. But at least the guitar rests on my right thigh. Because if it had to rest on the left, I wouldn't be able to handle it. It's good exercise for the bad elbow, too. I still haven't been able to get the full bend of that arm back, but it's close enough you can't tell unless you know. So as long as I stretch and don't overdo it, it's ok. I'm gonna mention it to Dr. Walsh when I see him on the 12th.
I'm also going to ask if he knows of any nighttime PT places I can go to after work, because the home exercises aren't cutting it, and I'm still in daily pain - especially when I wake up. And I do stretch before going to bed. Most nights, I have to take a muscle relaxer and sleep with a pillow between my knees. I have to ask him about that, too. Even if I lay on my back, if I don't have my leg out so that my toes are pointed up, if my leg is turned AT ALL, it feels like the kneecap is being pulled, and REALLY freaking hurts. | | |
| Yes, my dr. has me on Fosamax, which is one of these drugs. And being only 28, the plan is to have me on this drug for a very long time to build my bone density. WTF?!
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=95403
Study Links Osteoporosis Drugs to Jaw Trouble
By Amanda Gardner
HealthDay Reporter
THURSDAY, Jan. 1 (HealthDay News) -- The proportion of people taking widely prescribed oral osteoporosis drugs who develop a nasty jaw condition may be much higher than previously thought, a new study suggests.
Previous reports had indicated that the risk of developing osteonecrosis of the jaw (ONJ) from bisphosphonates in pill form were "negligible," although there was a noted risk in people taking the higher-dose intravenous form of the drug.
But Dr. Parish Sedghizadeh, an assistant professor of clinical dentistry at the University of Southern California School of Dentistry in Los Angeles, said his clinic is seeing one to four new cases a week, compared to one a year in the past. This led him to investigate the phenomenon and publish the findings in the Jan. 1 issue of the Journal of the American Dental Association.
"This is more frequent than everybody would like to think it is," said Sedghizadeh, lead author of the study.
ONJ is characterized by pain, soft-tissue swelling, infection, loose teeth and exposed bone.
Dr. James Liu, chairman of obstetrics and gynecology at MacDonald Women's Hospital at Case Medical Center, University Hospitals in Cleveland, said the finding "does not mean that women should stop taking the drug if they're on it. It does mean that there may be more frequent side effects than was previously known."
Bisphosphonates are medications used to reduce the risk of bone fracture and to increase bone mass in people with osteoporosis. They're also used to slow bone "turnover" in people who have cancer that has spread to their bones, and in people who have the blood cancer multiple myeloma.
Use of bisphosphonates has been associated with other problems in the past, including an increased risk of atrial fibrillation (a type of abnormal heart rhythm), unusual fractures of the thigh bone, and inflammatory eye disease.
After searching the USC School of Dentistry's electronic medical records database, the study authors found that nine of 208 patients taking Fosamax had active ONJ, a prevalence of about 4 percent. All were patients who had undergone some kind of dental procedure, such as having a tooth removed.
Fosamax (alendronate) is the most widely prescribed oral bisphosphonate and has been the 21st most prescribed drug in the United States since 2006, according to background information in the study.
The jaw complication has been seen in patients taking Fosamax for as little as one year. It seems to occur most frequently after routine tooth extraction, the study authors said.
Although no one is sure why bisphosphonates seem to have this effect only on jaw bones, Sedghizadeh speculated that the drugs may make it easier for bacteria to adhere to bone that is exposed after a tooth extraction.
Previously, experts had thought that ONJ in people taking intravenous bisphosphonates was related to their underlying condition (for example, cancer) than to the actual drug, Liu explained.
The USC School of Dentistry now screens every patient for bisphosphonate use.
"As a school now, we don't have complications any more, we only have referrals," Sedghizadeh said. "We put patients on anti-microbial, anti-fungal rinse one week pre-operatively or post-operatively. If they have been on bisphosphonates six months or a year or longer, then we have a prevention protocol which has been very, very effective."
According to a statement released by Merck & Co., which makes Fosamax, the new study "has material methodological flaws and scientific limitations, making it unreliable as a source for valid scientific conclusions regarding the prevalence of ONJ in patients taking alendronate."
No reports of ONJ have been noted in controlled trials involving more than 17,000 patients, the statement said.
SOURCES: Parish Sedghizadeh, DDS, MS, assistant professor of clinical dentistry, University of Southern California School of Dentistry, Los Angeles; James Liu, M.D., chairman, department of obstetrics and gynecology, MacDonald Women's Hospital at Case Medical Center, University Hospitals, Cleveland; Merck & Co. statement; Jan. 1, 2009, Journal of the American Dental Association
Copyright © 2009 ScoutNews, LLC. All rights reserved. | | |
| | Subject: | well | | Time: | 09:29 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksleepyp.gif) sleepy |
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| weather sucks. post-xmas shopping soreness sucks. that's what my leg's been dealing with this week. i started crying at work yesterday (and couldn't stop - SO embarrassing!) because my leg hurt so bad, and i thought my boss was gonna make me ask for a 2week notice to see the dr.
basically, i was waking up every three hours (for three nights in a row) with my leg at a 10 on the pain scale, making me cry. because if i don't move it for any short period of time, it gets VERY stiff and VERY painful. add to that, i had a huge muscle spasm on the front of my thigh, just above the knee. i mean, you could see the lump on my leg through my pants. i'm sure the horribly cold weather has added to the leg issues, too. maybe something with the cold affecting the metal inside my leg? i don't know.
but i saw my friend tiffany at a wake last night (sucky reason to see someone, but good timing). she's a physical therapist now, and encouraged me to keep doing my stretches and my exercises. so i did extra stretching last night before bed, and made sure to make time for stretching before leaving for work this morning, and it did feel better today. i've also realized that if i take my soma (the muscle relaxant i'm on) between 9-10pm, i can still wake up in time for work.
as much as i don't want to keep taking pills all the time, i end up in serious pain if i don't take them. so i do what i've gotta do to keep from crying in public lol
and this doesn't have anything to do with my leg, but it's happy news! marcus and i (yes, the high school sweethearts) are back together after 9yrs apart, and i can't shut up about it. so yay! : )
oh, and while i don't need to see the dr right away anymore, i am going to ask him to write me another Rx for pt when i do see him again, with a place that's open later. because if i have a set schedule, then i'll have to go. i haven't been finding the time after work to go to ati the way i'd hoped to continue going. it was good for the first month, but now i just find myself busy. and lazy. at least i've still been working out at home, and moving it under my desk or when i'm out. but still. i could be doing more. i always feel like i could/should be doing more. maybe what i really need is rest! but no. rest makes the knee stiff. damn vicious cycle! | | |
| i've been at my new job for a week and a half. it's going well. tho my body is still adjusting to just sitting around all day. i don't get off work til 5:30pm, and it takes a half hour in traffic to get to the gym, which closes at 7pm. so i have an hour for the treadmill and bike, which i could do at my own fitness center, but can't safely without a workout partner. i can feel my knee getting stiffer.
i'm sticking with not using the crutch around the apt, as much as possible. though the other night i woke up at 4:30am with my knee in so much pain, i couldn't move the leg at all without yelling out. the next night i took a muscle relaxant, and almost overslept getting to work on time. i have to take pain pills in the morning so that i can get up the stairs to the office, and be able to sit still in the chair at my desk. but then i also do leg lifts in my chair while i work.
don't ask me how i'm doing emotionally or financially. but the job is good. | | |
| | Subject: | sucks | | Time: | 07:41 pm | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| nick's having a pampered chef party tonight, his kickoff show. only 2 people came to mine when i had my first candle party, so i really wanted to be there for him tonight.
but i was driving a LOT yesterday. and had anxiety crutching around the city to and from my lawyer's office in the rain. and today the rain turned to snow. my body's also adjusting to sitting at work, instead of working out all morning. and i went back to the pt gym to work out independently via the step down program for the first time today, after work.
combine all that with a few other factors i don't feel like discussing here, and my right knee, the "good" one, is killing me. i've got that behind the knee cracking/swelling thing going on. and the whole thigh hurts. not like broken leg hurts, but the muscles are really really tight.
so i'm staying home. which allows me the time to think about everything that's bothering me. so i'm depressed. which makes me want to shop. but i'm in too much pain to drive out to nick and doug's and back. i am definitely in too much pain to hobble around a damn store.
i'm just so f'ing sick of this. sitting around. trying to be ok. | | |
| So my last physical therapy/work conditioning session was this morning. I was extremely sore last night, so in addition to the pain pills (which I try to only take in the morning, but my hip was KILLING me), I also took one of the muscle relaxers (which I haven't taken in over a month). Overslept by four freaking hours! So my last day, and I was late. Really late. Couldn't do the full four hours because I had to be at the dr by 3, which I was also late for - got really lost - again. Left the dr at 5pm, and started my trek to find the appropriate polling place. The wrong one lead me to the right one, and I was finally able to vote Obama! But I digress...
At physical therapy/work conditioning/work hard knee/FIRST program (whatever you want to call it), I reached a functional plateau, and graduated. Really, I probably could've continued there and continued to gain strength, cuz I'm still REALLY wobbly. But Jason suggested that I go into the Step Down program, where I'm allowed to still go there, and use their equipment when I have time. It's better than using the fitness center here at my complex, because A} they have MUCH better equipment, and B} in case I get hurt, it's safer, since my workout buddy moved to the city. So I'm going to try to keep going every day after work.
Yes, work! I found an office job! I am the new Staffing Coordinator at a senior home care company (contact me if you'd like to know which one - I'm just not going to be putting it out there on a public blog). Anyways, I get to use my retail mgmt experience to do things like recruiting, interviewing, hiring, training, and scheduling caregivers to help out senior citizens in their homes. I'm really excited about it!
I haven't left my other company yet, at the advice of other workers' comp patients. So I'm technically employed by both right now. But Dr. Walsh told me today that workers' comp has to still cover me, even if I do leave the company, until they give me a settlement. I never knew I was supposed to get a settlement until one of the other patients told me last Friday! But really, I've dealt with a LOT of crap the past 7 months because of this injury - including losing my boyfriend. I don't think all that would've happened if I hadn't had to leave him just a few weeks after moving, to be gone a month and a half because of a stupid broken leg! He ended up resenting me for being gone, and then being home all the time, and being so needy, but couldn't take it out on me, cause he knew it wasn't my fault, and just became an asshole because of it.
So I have a lawyer. My friend Jenn, a co-worker from another location who got hurt before I did, has one. And she told me that I should really get one to make sure everything's being taken care of the way it should be. And then on Friday, Troy, another patient at pt, was asking about my injuries, and recommended his lawyer to me. My first meeting with him is this Thursday after work, in the city. Apparently, they've dealt with my company before - one of their biggest cases! And I don't have to pay them anything unless I do get a settlement, and then they just take 20% of whatever it is. I figure it's money I prob wouldn't get without them, anyway, so why not? And if I don't get anything, I don't owe them anything. Just have to find out if I'll owe taxes on it. Cuz then I'd really only be getting half of whatever.
And whatever this settlement is can be used for deposits and stuff for my next apt, cuz the lease here is up in only a few more months. And I don't think I want to stay here anymore, because of the memories of Russ. Just walking into the kitchen last Saturday, I started bawling my eyes out, because it was his kitchen. *sigh* I love this place, and I don't want to give it up. But I can't keep living with the ghosts of what was supposed to be. I don't think I'll ever trust another man not to leave... Which really sucks, because the one who got away is back. In what capacity, I'm not sure, but I'm not pressing the issue.
But enough about that. Dr. Walsh has cleared me to work "light duty," which is basically clerical. So I start my training tomorrow! I'll be working weekday mornings, and after I'm fully trained, I'll have one weekday as a half day, and then I'll work a few hours Saturday mornings.
And now I get to watch Gossip Girl, color me happy! | | |
| | Time: | 02:33 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankgeekp.gif) accomplished |
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| it seems i only post every few weeks now. i've been so busy, but nothing significant. i try to use only one crutch most of the time now, unless i'm at a bar or something, where i'm more likely to be knocked over. the boys stopped letting me use even one crutch in the gym this week. i'm starting to get a little more confident with it. i don't cry at just a few steps anymore. monday was the first time, walking about 10ft without even someone holding the gait belt (like a leash, around my waist). now, they don't even have a gait belt on me! (although i prefer it, because it makes me feel safer, so i'm able to take slightly longer strides). yesterday, i did ten minutes at a full 1.0 mph on the treadmill (working my way up from the .7 mph i've been doing). i'm really trying to push more weight through the leg, to give it more stability, as it's gaining strength.
the muscles in my left thigh hurt fairly constantly, but i'm told not to put heat on the leg to ease the muscles - just ice, which to me, makes it hurt worse. i try not to take tramadol except in the morning, when i'm going to pt. i know it makes me more drowsy, and i have a hard enough time waking up as it is. i'm not sure why, because i don't feel depressed anymore, i just can't seem to pull myself out of bed.
anyways, the walking is slow, tedious, treacherous, and painful, but it's walking!!! i kinda feel like frankenstein, with the horrible limp, being so slow. and i have to force myself to keep my arms down at my sides, and kinda swing them - which i think makes me look like a robot. i was given instruction yesterday to try not to use even the single crutch around the apt. it's frustrating, because i'm very impatient, and want to get everything done quickly around the house. so i hate limping around so slowly, just trying not to fall. but i know i have to, until walking becomes more natural again.
but i've been really proud of some of the progress i've been making: i went to a pool hall last weekend, and didn't use any crutches while playing, but used the pool cue as a crutch, and the table for support. and when i went grocery shopping the other night, i brought in ALL the groceries by myself, using one crutch! including the milk and 2 cases of pop! God, i love getting my independence back! | | |
| realizing i haven't done a real update in over a week. between pt, friends, dating, my hs reunion last weekend, and my new side business, i haven't had time for much else. i'm actually writing in a notebook while on a break at pt, and i'm not sure when i'll have time to actually type this out. but it's better than nothing.
my legs are slowly, and painfully, progressing. as i've lost weight, and the swelling in my left knee has dissipated slightly, i finallly am wearing a smaller size of jeans. my waist could've git a few weeks ago, but the knee wouldn't.
the core exercises and some of the weight machine stuff are getting easier. but taking steps without any crutches are painful and terrifying. my quad muscles in my left thigh pretty much ALWAYS hurt now, as they're finally firing off and working. i'm really glad my legs are getting stronger - just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. i didn't even think the tramadol was doing much for pain, until today, when i forgot to take any, and left the bottle at home during pt. everything hurts SO much more! | | |
| a lot has happened since i last posted a real update. i have a new kitty and a new roommate to help with stuff around the house. especially as the spiders are coming in while it's getting colder out, and i can't climb on a chair or bed to kill a spider on the ceiling.
i saw dr. walsh last tuesday. he says the bone is completely healed now, but wants me in 6 more weeks (5 now) of work conditioning. i asked about if anything had been torn inside my knee, and if he'd been able to see anything like that (acl, mcl, anything like that). but he said he didn't go that far down into the knee to be able to see during the surgery, and that he wants my leg to get stronger before he's concerned with doing an mri or anything. and apparently, it's stainless steel inside my leg, so i can still have mri's!
it still bothers me, though, that there's never been an mri done right after a dislocation. so i may have torn things inside my knee, maybe even repeatedly, and no one ever really knows for sure.
3 mondays ago, jason had me stop using both crutches during physical therapy. i've tried to do the same at home. some days are too painful (or too dizzy, as i've had a sinus infection this week), and i still use 2. and if i'm out somewhere, i use 2 to keep me more stable. but i'm starting to get a little stronger on just one around the apt and around the gym. it's slow-going, but i'm trying to get more comfortable with it. we've also started doing side-stepping without any crutches, just using my physical therapist's hands for support.
a few times a week during table exercises, jason has me scoot to the edge of the table with my legs hanging over, and he slightly pushes the leg back to force the knee to bend. it's very slow and very slight, but it hurts like hell! i just keep breathing deeply, blink back tears, and joke about holding back a string of obscenities - talking gives me something else to think about besides the pain. but as much as it hurts, it also works! he was able to get my leg to bend 80.5* last week! and this, just as i'd told him i didn't think i was really benefitting from work conditioning, since it wasn't really helping my range of motion. but he pointed out the ways that i have gotten a lot stronger. i can lift my leg straight out when i'm in a sitting position, higher than i could before i got hurt! can't raise it straight up very well yet, so i still have to use my hand or other leg when getting in/out of bed or the car. but i'll get there.
they also have me working on sitting down and standing up, without just falling back or using my hands/arms. i scoot around on a stool (that really hurts, especially my back, and tires me out!), and practice taking tiny steps up and down on a machine that has hand rails on both sides. i'm really hoping to be able to walk up and down stairs like normal people again!!! it's always embarrassing to have to be the slow one on the stairs, using just the right leg.
oh, and then i got an email warning me about the side effects that can occur when carisoprodol (my muscle relaxer) and tramadol (my pain killer) are mixed: extreme drowsiness. good thing i only take the carisoprodol at night! lol | | |
| I first heard of the band Superchick a few months ago, through lyrics a family friend posted in one of her facebook notes about a friend who'd passed away. And the words, "Stand through the pain, you won't drown," caught my attention. I immediately went on a search for music from this band, and downloaded a few songs whose titles sounded good. One of those was 'Beauty from Pain' which has sort of become my theme song. At first, it was just everything I've been through the past 6 months with my legs, and how much in my life has changed because of these injuries. And now, with the breakup, it's even more fitting. The song also sort of inspired my latest tattoo, which I had put on my left leg, the leg that's currently trying to heal.
{ the best, and most appropriate, youtube video i've found of the song is:
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold, purified through these flames
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope, this night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
~ Superchick
"By His hands, we are healed." | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 12:40 pm | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| he's been gone 5 days. the first few days, i couldn't eat, could barely breathe or move. and so i ended up missing 2 days of physical therapy. i went back thursday, but they only kept me a little over an hour. and then yesterday, not quite 3hrs. it's hard being there, because he works across the parking lot. if he still works there, i don't even know.
i can't eat much, but i am eating again. everyone expects me to get drunk with them, but i can barely finish one glass of wine or margarita. i don't even want beer. i'm going to try to quit smoking, too. since i'm almost out of cigarettes, and since i have to foot all the bills on my own now, i can't really afford more. smoking just makes me dizzier when i haven't eaten, anyway.
my tramadol hasn't been working this week. (the pain pills). maybe i've built up an immunity to them. maybe my body's just been too tense for them to work. i've been trying to keep using just one crutch around the apt, and at pt. but yesterday morning, my thigh hurt so bad, i couldn't. i had to use both. my right hip was hurting all night, too. i'm not used to sleeping alone anymore.
i still don't understand why he had to leave so quickly. he knew i was already lonely out here. now i don't even feel safe. my parents don't want me having a male roommate, but i'd feel safer with a guy here. i wish they would let me go home. but i can't afford to terminate the lease early, or i won't be able to get a new place. i have no choice but to stay here and finish out the lease. i don't get to bail on my problems like he did. i just get all his problems dumped on me. so i'm still looking for a roommate, though finding one to share a 1 bedroom is unlikely.
i just don't know what to do.
my knee has been more stiff this week. i don't want to be here, but it's raining and slippery out, and i can't afford gas to go anywhere... | | |
| last night, and then today at ati, i started using just one crutch. very slowly, and not very long, but it's just one crutch.
and now russ is leaving me.
i feel like those women with cancer, who as soon as they're in remission, get left. like he only stayed because of the leg. | | |
| been up since 7:30am, but don't feel as crappy as i probably should. the depression has substantially subsided over the past few weeks. and while there were some issues with an important person in my life last weekend, that, too, has gotten better.
my second day at ati was not as good as the first. i was feeling very out of place, as most of the other patients are obviously athletic and into sports and the olympics and whatnot, and everyone knows i don't give a crap about that stuff. i think my therapist was talking over me because maybe he didn't know what to talk to me about. now, four days in, we can joke more.
thursday morning, i woke up in so much pain that i would've cancelled my session had jason not told me to come in anyway, anytime i'm too sore. i could barely move, and didn't want to. just wanted to stay in bed with ice packs on my legs and arms and a heating pad on my back. so he measured the swelling in my knee, did a few stretches, and put an ice pack on the left leg. not quite an hour later, he sent me home to rest. friday i was still a little sore, but working out actually helped ease it! (along with some tramadol and ibuprofen). i decided i was going to be productive, because just because i'm sore does not mean i'm going to allow myself to be the lazy person who just sits around the house while my boyfriend is out working hard. so after therapy, i did a lot of cleaning around the house and paid a few bills.
today is my mom's birthday, so after dropping russ off at work, i dropped off my car to get the window fixed (broken regulator, couldn't move the window or it'd fall down into the door), and took my mom out for breakfast. she needed a new swimsuit, so we hit the mall after breakfast, and ended up doing another mall, as well. saw quite a few old friends from my years of working in malls, so that was good. my right (bicep? tricep?) arm muscles are really sore, and i dropped a crutch on my left knee, but otherwise, i'm still feeling pretty decent.
tomorrow my family's coming over for pizza and swimming for a lil family bday party for my mom. and my pool exercise equipment from kiefer.com came in, so i'm hoping to have enough energy to get some good knee work in tomorrow in the pool! i got a noodle to use to walk around the pool without holding onto the edge (works on balance and strengthening) and an ankle wrap that causes my foot to float up, so that i have to use the muscles to keep the leg down - another device i used in the pool back at marianjoy.
this past week at ati, i was working on all-over muscle strengthening. next week is range of motion for the knee. and i know it's gonna HURT. but i'm already feeling more stable on the crutches. i got a voicemail from the wheelchair company yesterday, so i'll be calling them back on monday to say they can pick it up anytime. (if i go to a mall, i'll just borrow a mall wheelchair like i used to). and i really think that my goal of one crutch in october is possible!!! | | |
| | Subject: | NEW! | | Time: | 04:05 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyp.gif) good |
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| well, i started work conditioning today. my main therapist there is jason, nice guy, doesn't talk much. but i figure as i'm there more, we'll get to know each other better. i'll be going 3-4 hrs each day, 5 days a week! every day we'll be focusing on a different muscle set, with fridays being circuit training (all over). it's a LOT of strength training!!!
it was easy at first, started out with an arm cycle. then moved to the stationary bike, and since my left leg can't bend enough to do the full circle of the pedals, i move it back and forth as far as i can. 15 min on each of those. then did a lot of stretches. jason got a yoga ball which i put my feet up on, while i was laying down, and brought it closer to me by bending my knees. i loved it at first, because it was working my abs, too. but after a few minutes, my knee was really hurting. then regular ab crunches (harder than i thought, apparently i was doing them wrong in the fitness center at home), and side leg raises - almost every exercise like this i did 2 sets of 15 on each side. and then what i call the bed pan exercise, cuz it's like what i had to do inpatient at marianjoy when i couldn't get out of bed for the bathroom lol you lay down with your arms and hands flat at your sides, knees bent as much as i can, and lift your butt up. it HURTS! my right knee was also hurting at this point from a stretch requiring me to bring my knee up to my chest as far as possible, and hold it there a few minutes. OUCH. by the time he had me go over to a machine to do squats and tiptoes, my legs were shaking! that was when i started to cry a little.
it was time for my 10min break, so i was like, "ok, i'm just gonna go die for 10min!" i just laid down and texted people. it was really hot in there, too, glad i took my gatorade with me. gonna need to wear less for working out, because i despise sweating. i'm a girl! not supposed to sweat! it's gross! anyways, after the break, i went to some arm exercise machines like you see in ads for bally's or whatever. i had to lay my chest up against this hard pad while sitting straddled on a pad to lean forward and pull these handles attached to weights back. that machine was NOT designed for people with breasts! felt like i was having a mamogram. but the second set was easier, as i learned how to squeeze in my shoulder blades. had two more arm exercise machines after that, which were easier, and then back to the arm cycle.
as tired as i am, i feel really good! i think it's the adrenaline. my goals for work conditioning are: to get back to work asap, to improve my posture, and lose weight to reduce the strain on my knees.
i also called my boss today (finally, it's been a crazy, absolutely insane weekend) on the way home, and she was able to give me a mini-lowdown on what's going on. due to the economy, the 5 least profitable stores are closing, but mine is not one of them. my job is safe! i'll be gaining some employees from the other stores, who are being given the choice of which store they'd like to transfer to (with no pay change), or a stay-on bonus for staying with their store til it closes. and i hired several of the employees from the closest store to us myself, when i managed that one a few months last year. so i feel a lot better about it. i cannot WAIT to get back to work!
as for work conditioning, i'm excited about it. it's really really warm in the gym, so i'm gonna have to wear less. but since i've already lost some weight, i'm ok with that. and they gave me a free tshirt today! they're not very structured with time, as in, tomorrow i can come in anytime between 3-4p to start (cuz i have to get my car window fixed in the morning, and then have lunch plans). and then thurs and fri i can come in anytime, the earlier the better. kinda weird. but i'm ok with that. i figure i'll go in after dropping russ at work if it's a day he's opening. and i want to get myself waking up earlier, cuz the way my sleep schedule is right now, it's just not cool. hopefully the exercise will help my back pain so i can get to sleep earlier, too.
next week, it'll be a little more structured so that i can use their transportation. i hope! just sucks that i won't have time to visit my friend in springfield now. but maybe after i'm back to work i can take two days off in a row. i've also arranged to ride up to michigan with my parents for my cousin's wedding in two weeks, that way i can stretch out in the backseat and not have to worry about overdoing the driving.
anyways, i'm feeling kinda new. two major turning points in my life today, with ati being one of them. | | |
| | Time: | 10:30 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankawakep.gif) stressed |
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| it's been a really long, emotionally draining day. i feel like i need to write, but don't want to be anywhere but bed. so i'm back in the pink paisley notebook.
i stopped in to ATI after dropping russ off at work this afternoon, to check the place out. it's very open, with large windows where people walking by in the parking lot can see patients working out. i'm not sure how i feel about that. but everyone seemed nice. although the receptionist and one of the therapists had that kind of "um. wow." expression when i told them what my leg's been through and is currently capable of - without any of the back history before april. so while i was hoping to start work conditioning this monday (turns out that's labor day), they're having me come in tuesday afternoon to kinda start work conditioning, but more an eval to see if they might want me to do 3 weeks of regular pt with them, and then work conditioning. so instead of 6 weeks, that'd be 9 weeks.
as scared as i am of going back to work too soon, i'm just as scared of missing even more. especially now as money's getting tighter, and i find myself having to use credit cards to make ends meet.
add to that, i found out that it was announced this morning on a conference call that my company is re-structuring, closing down several stores, and eliminating some positions. so who knows if i'll even have a job to go back to? | | |
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missjoyandpain
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